Without You There’s No Me,
That’s how it feels. You’re there. I know you’re there, at your house. Functioning like any other person is. We were talking and texting, the words are flowing, but it’s not the same. I’m not there, with you, near you, touching you.
Vacations are supposed to be relaxing and I have enjoyed some moments. Brief, short, microscopic moments. It happens when I close my eyes and forget for a moment that you’re not gonna be there when I open my eyes. You can’t comfort me when I feel the pain and darkness creeping in.
I hate myself for becoming dependent on you for anything. I know you don’t mind it, but I do, because of moments like this. Moments were I have to go sit in a closet to be able to control how much I’m feeling. We both know what happens when I feel too much. I go back to old bad habits. Shutting down completely, being cold to everyone. Not caring about what happens to myself, harming myself because that brief moment of pain seems like the greatest vacation I can take. A vacation from the pain that’s in me. The pain that I don’t know how to get rid of.
The only relief I’ve found is you. It eases when I’m with you. I hurt less, but I am more me in every way when I’m with you. Even when I was with him and he was hurting me. Mentally. Emotionally, Physically. I’d go to your house with bruises covered by my clothes, hurting body, mind and soul. I’d take the pain that came with the hug you gave because even in that moment when you were unknowingly causing me pain, you were healing me.
And when it was over with him, and I wasn’t safe at home, or work, or the gas station. I was safe with you.I stayed with you for almost 2 weeks. When I was afraid, afraid to sleep, to go to work, or even just to live. You let me know I could. When the nightmares continued and i could barely sleep, you helped. When they woke me up in the middle of the night and i wanted to panic and hide in the closet, you calmed me. Even in your sleep you knew what i needed even when i didn’t.
And yes, you frustrate me. Especially given your current situation and not being able to fully explain it to me. I know you see something in her. If you didn’t I wouldn’t be able to support you at all. I’m just afraid that you’ll end up like me. Broken and damaged. Almost completely unloveable. The damage is happening and she’s added to it. I know it’s what you want and believe you need. But seeing you what appears like, prioritizing her over everyone else in your life is where I have the biggest problem. You have people around you that love you and need you. I also worry that your daughter’s will see how you;ve allowed yourself to be treated by her and think that that’s okay. It’s not, which I’ve told you. It may not be physical abuse, but it is a mental and emotional fuck that you hate for a couple of days and then going back to once she says she’s sorry, or sober, or is working on.
You can choose her over me, I’ll live. Will I be great? Not for a while, but I’ll get there. Do i want a life without you in it? No, you’re my best friend. Will everyone else in your life forgive you for prioritizing her over them? I don’t know, i don’t speak for them.
This is what I know. What was supposed to be a peaceful vacation turned to hell. Between issues i struggle with daily and the strain of knowing what you were dealing with, and what those around you were dealing with. It was too much to be gone. You were hurting, i wanted to be there for you. Those around you were hurting because of choices and i should’ve been there for them. I just miss my best friend and being able to count on you and your word. I love you, and you love me. You tell me all the time. You have the power to hurt me more and deeper than he ever could.
You told me that you can’t wait for me to get home and that you want to prove to me that I am worth the time. I’m afraid that those were just words you said because you realized that your choices and actions have been hurting me and our friendship. You promised me time. Time on Sunday, when I get home. I fear that those words will be thin air if she needs you even though I’ll be there needing you like i have been for a week.
The moments together and the choices you make will affect me. They affected me when I was gone and they’ll affect me when i get back. The thing is that i know that you don’t want to let anyone down, and the truth is that you might let me down this time.